By Darlene Vazqutelles
Combining my past dating experiences with opinions of my girlfriends, I came up with this list of the top 20 things a man should NOT do when taking us on a first date. Starting with the biggest "no-no," here is the list of what not to do on a first date so that we will not ignore your phone calls later.
(FYI: I have changed the names in order to protect privacy of friends and ex-dates.)
1. AGGRESSIVENESS
Jessica: “I was having an amazing dinner with this guy who I was really starting to like. The conversation went well, and there was definitely a connection…until we left the restaurant, and he walked me to my car. He grabbed me, and started kissing me as if he was on a mission. It was not a sweet reciprocated first date kiss. It was the total opposite, and in an instant that aggressiveness completely turned me off.”
There is a time for everything. Being too touchy on the first date only shows that the person is desperate. First date is too early to be touchy. This touching can become very uncomfortable being that we are just getting to know you and for the most of us, it is more about finding out who you are than feeling your hands (or tongue) all over us.
Having sex on the first date has worked for some couples but in the majority of the cases it is the end of what has not even started. Oftentimes, when a man tries to take us to bed on the first date, we back off and consider deleting him as a possibility. Is this what he does with every woman he asks out?
Aside from physical aggressiveness, there are also men who lead aggressive conversations. Asking too many personal questions on a first date can make us feel uncomfortable. As I said, there is a time for everything, including specific topics. During a first date, a conversation should be kept light and simple.
Getting to know a girl should be the reason why she is being taken out on a date. So, it is pretty much common sense that the cellphone should be put away by both parties.
Leslie: “I once went out with a guy who had me ask for a table while he ran out to the parking lot to get his cellphone. It was our first date and even before I got to the table I already knew this was not going to work out for me. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking he did not want it stolen from his car, but as the night went on, every minute was worse than the one before. He had his cellphone on the table the whole time, constantly checking it, texting and even changing his Facebook status a couple of times. I was tempted to do the same and change it to SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE DATE! (Tagging his name along with the status update).”
Put that phone away and focus on your date. Enough said.
3. LOCATION LOCATION
Taking your date out to a loud place, where you cannot hear each other is a bad idea. If going out dancing or to a concert is your idea of a great date night, make sure there is some quiet time prior to the party scene. We want to get to know you before anything else, and this is why we accepted your invitation.
This guy Antonio, who I was very much attracted to asked me out, and it was fine with me that he chose a local club that played great live music. I knew this place had a patio area, where we could sit and talk. It was not the ideal place for a first date but I was open to going out with him. Once we got there, I asked to step out so we could talk (because we were usually surrounded by other people and the music was too loud). He seemed confused that I wanted to sit and talk, but he did it anyway. We had a good conversation even with the music coming from the room next door and with all the distractions that came from all the people walking around us. But, I cannot say that it was the best date as it was pretty noisy and uncomfortable to carry on a conversation.
Movies are the number one destination, where men invite me on the first date. Movies for a first date are a no-no. You spend two hours of your date in complete silence, watching a movie that you might like but then you might also hate. And, there goes that date. I got to know your lousy choice of movies and absolutely nothing else about you.
4. SELF-ABSORPTION
With the intention of making himself look good, a man might tend to talk too much about what he has, or pretends to have. Showing off your expensive car, jet, villa in Europe, the condo in Miami or the yacht at the nearest marina will not impress us that much. Even if he has all of these, there is a way and a time to let us know. On our first date, we just want to know who you are, not everything you possess. When the conversation turns more into a sales pitch on why we should choose you as our man, only two things can happen: (1) The woman will date you only for your possessions or (2) you will not hear from her again.
Also, keep all your personal details for later. Saying too much or too soon can scare anyone away. Make it a dialogue and not a monologue.
5. THE WANDERING EYE
I was once sitting at a bar with someone I was really attracted to. It was our first time out together after getting to know each other through phone conversations and social gatherings. There was a connection there, and we both knew that we liked each other. We walk into a bar to grab some drinks and dinner as we wanted to keep it more casual than a fancy dinner date. Twenty minutes into the date, and I lost his eyes. As girls came in and walked by us, they took his eyes with them. It is acceptable to admire a beautiful girl who walks by but to stare at each and every girl that walks by is a complete turn off. I kept it cool, ordered myself the most expensive wine, and excused myself because I was “tired” and wanted to go home. I politely said that “I have an early meeting tomorrow morning.”
Talk about a clueless man-- he kept calling me after this date to ask me out again. I did not waste my time by giving him excuses or explaining why I was turned off by him. I simply told him I was not interested. He had been very rude and disrespectful and didn’t even notice. But that was his problem, not mine.
6. DRINKING TO GET DRUNK
Having a glass of wine or a drink is a great way to relax and ease up the tension usually present on first dates. Overdoing it with the drinks is the best way to kill the possibilities of a second. Although this article is focused on what men should NOT do on a first date, becoming intoxicated on a first date for both men and women is a no-no.
7. APPEARANCE
The same way we prepare to impress, men should do the same. I was once asked to dinner and got all dressed up only to open the door and see a man wearing sneakers, ripped jeans, an overly washed out t-shirt and a jacket that appeared to belong to a man three sizes bigger than his. I was terrified. Men should make that extra effort the same way that we do.
Smell is also very important. Make sure that you wear a good cologne without overdoing the amount of sprays. Have some breathe mints on you just in case. Clean up the car before you pick her up. These to dos before you leave the house are simple, but trust me, we do notice.
8. MAKING IT A GROUP DATE
Although it was our second date, and we had not seen each other for some time because of traveling for work, I was excited to see Ricardo. We had been talking on the phone and emailing each other and were excited to see each other again. I drove to his place and got into his car for our dinner date, only to find that my seat was in the back. He had two other people in the car and on our drive to the restaurant, I felt I was in a business meeting rather than that date that we were supposed to be having. And this business-date-meeting lasted for two hours, where my disappointment level increased by with each passing minute.
Taking a girl out on what is supposed to be a date and inviting other people without prior discussion should never happen. The only way it could be acceptable is if both of you talk about it, and it is okay with her. Making a first date a group date is not the way to go because getting to know one another makes it that much harder.
9. RUDENESS
Being rude to people does not make you more manly.
ROSE: “I was finally asked out by Fernando. There were so many things I liked about him just by what I have heard from other people and the brief times we had hung out at social events. He picked me up and my heart was beating like crazy. He smelled so good and looked great! We went to a beautiful sushi restaurant that I had wanted to go for months. Every little thing he did and said to me was perfect and my heart was very content. It was one of those situations where everything just flowed in perfect symmetry. And then came the waitress. I had never felt this embarrassed in my life. The poor lady was being treated in the worst possible way by my date. From the moment she came to our table to the moment we left, he made this woman’s work that much more difficult. The way he spoke to her and made her feel inferior was unbearable. I went back into the restaurant pretending I had to visit the restroom just because I wanted to talk to her. I apologized for what had just happened and for my horrible taste in men. This was obviously the first and last time I went out with him.”
No matter who you are, there is no need to be rude to others, especially to someone who is there to serve you.
10. NEGATIVITY
This one goes hand in hand with being rude to people. Talking poorly about others while on a date shows lack of sensitivity. If you are upset at a friend or relative, keep it to yourself but don’t take your first date as a venting session. Who wants to be around a person who is full of complaints and is a pessimist. It leads us to believe that you are weak and carry too much emotional drama.
11. TALKING ABOUT THE EX
First dates are an opportunity to see if there is a romantic connection with someone you already started to like. It is in present time and the two should take the opportunity to find out if there is a chance. Don’t think too much about the future. Analyzing if this is the woman/man who you want to marry and have children with is putting too much pressure on the other person and yourself. Bringing the past to the table is also a way of creating tension. One of the biggest turn-offs is when a man tells you that he just broke-up with his girlfriend. Who wants to feel that they are on the rebound seat?
Although women want to know why it did not work out with your ex, a first date is not the right moment. We do not want to hear it in that precise moment when the focus should be on each other. Asking about our exes it is not the way to go either. It is a waste of time on both parts if the discussion of past relationships takes place on your first night going out.
12. ONLINE FAKERS
LAURA: “We met on a dating website. I was very much into this man who I met online and shared great connection. We finally set up a date to meet at a local coffee shop. Some people photograph very differently from what they actually look like. But then there is the person who knowingly manages it in a way that he looks to attract through a picture that was probably taken ten years ago. And this was the case with my coffee shop date. Not only did he look completely differently, but his height was way off from what his profile said. I saw him and just walked away. He didn’t even see me. What upset me the most was that he lied. It was not about not being attracted to the man, it was the fact that he was not being honest right from the start.“
I am a big supporter of online dating.I know of happily married couples whom met this way. Not everyone is into going out to clubs and bars so trying to meet someone this way is a great way to reach out and meet people. There should be no need in altering who you are to “impress” someone. You are blocking your own way to meet someone who will like you for who you are.
13. ZERO CONVERSATION
First date conversations can go two ways: A dialogue that flows without too much effort or one where you end up looking around for someone to come and save you. Being out with a boring person who has absolutely nothing to talk about is torture. Men who just sit there and look handsome will not cut it. It takes courage to ask a girl out. Therefore, leave the shyness at home and don’t be afraid to be yourself and speak out.
14. CHECK PLEASE
Okay. Before the men start throwing the “times have changed, and women are more independent,” card, let me be clear. It is fine to split the bill on dates just not the first one or two. I know. Times are rough, and like I said, things have changed throughout the years. But, on a FIRST date, you guys should pick-up the tab. Call me old-fashioned but this is the way it should be. It shows you are a gentleman and that you appreciate the time you just spent with her.
15. HANDS ON HER PLATE
As crazy as it sounds this does happen.
CLARISSA: “I will never forget when I went out with this guy and everything was going well until he took a piece of chicken from my plate. He wanted to try it and thought it was okay to grab it from my plate without even asking.”
So men, if you want to try something from her plate, just ask and I am sure it will be fine with her to put some on YOUR plate. You are not three years old anymore. I am laughing as I write this but unfortunately it has happened to more than one person whom I know.
16. THE STALKER
This is the guy who knows everything about you. He has been on your online profiles and studied every single detail about your life. You go out on a date with him, and the date becomes creepy. Not only does he know about your hobbies, work, family and friends and makes sure you know that but then he says so by staring at you. Ahh!! Stalker mode on full blast mode.
At times, he does not even allow you to finish your sentences because he will just say that he already knew because he was digging through your online profiles. Men, don’t let her know what you found about her through her online profiles. It is completely and absolutely uncool, and she will run away faster than you can say, “please call me!!”
17. BAD TIME MANAGEMENT
You are not the only one asking us out. If you really like a girl and take that step and ask her out, respect that she does have a life. Being late without further notice is a no-no. Calling and setting up the date at the last minute might show that she was a last minute option.
Canceling more than once is also a sign that you are not taking this date too seriously. Be honest if something comes-up, and you cannot make it. However, if you cancel a second time, don’t expect her to accept the next invitation. Also, we do not want to be on a date, where you are constantly checking your watch. If you don’t want to be there, what was the whole point of asking her out? If you are not into her anymore, and the date has not gone as planned, at least be decent and finish what you started. Her time is as valuable as yours. By now, she probably doesn’t want to be there either so finish-up and let her go. She will thank you for that.
18. PROTECTIVE/OVER-PROTECTIVE
As my friend Mary says, “Being rude or defensive when someone hits on you at the bar, or not being protective of you when someone is annoyingly hitting on you at the bar” is equally bad.
19. NOT ESCORTING HER
Even if she drove herself to the date, men should escort their dates. Always make sure that they make it to their cars safely, and a phone call to know she made it home safely is always a great way to end a date.
20. MIND GAMES
If the date went well, do not be afraid to let her know. Ignore the three day "rule,” and follow-up. Dating is not easy especially with all the social media sites. Some men rely on checking out your profile to see what you are up-to instead of calling. If there was a spark and everything went well on your first date, stop playing games and plan for a second.
Men, I hope this helps with "winning" that second date. We would love to hear your feedback, so leave us a comment below or email me at darlenev@clubfashionista.com.
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